Some things scare you because they are unexpected...a surprise. Some things scare you because they are simply unknown. Either can be overcome with a cool head and determination...the cool head is often the hard part.1981 - “I Shall Overcome”
I found a copy of my high school Drivers Ed report card the other day. It told me a lot about myself and an attitude I wasn’t sure I eventually cultivated or if it was an attitude that was innate. It was evidence that my habit of tackling self-imposed shortcomings and overcoming the problem had been around for quite awhile. Nurture or nature…does it really matter? In this case the card reported I needed considerable practice backing up and my use of a standard-shift was deplorable. Seeing this I realized this was evidence that this attitude of overcoming difficulty pre-dated the new found confidence I found while in the USN. To this day I only own standard-shift cars – I love the whole clutching/shifting thing – love those curvy mountain roads – and I almost always pull backwards into my parking spaces. I had no idea until I saw this document that I had EVER had problems with either of these maneuvers. And I thought this entire “can-do” attitude came from the NAV – maybe not.
After the Navy and I departed ways I was resolved to take my limited musical background and become a professional. After growing tired of trying to live, once again, under mom’s roof with mom’s rules – which were great for her but not for a 22 year-old partier – I left Iowa City for Dad’s house in Southern Illinois. The story there was about the same and, after about 5-weeks, I was again on the road for northern Illinois and some of the other stories I’ve repeated previously. During those 5-weeks I decided to take music lessons and learn to become a better bass-player. During my second lesson my teacher told me I’d “never be a decent bass-player” as my “hands are too small.” This, of course, pissed me off. After all, I had already been a musician for some years and had enough live experience to know I was already better than many others in the same position. This just made me work harder sometimes practicing 6 or more hour’s a-day. (And if you’re familiar with the bass you know how absolutely boring this must have been.) I spent the next few years consciously proving that teacher wrong by becoming a relatively successful musician although I’m aware that the accuracy of his analysis ultimately may have been one of the reasons for a career that was somewhat less than aimed for, but this same analysis was one of the reasons for any success I did have.
Perhaps this attitude was why I persisted in taking German classes in high school despite the fact I kept failing horribly at it. Flunked German I my soph-year (great enunciation, good at getting the desired point across, terrible syntax and an absolute failure to memorize the “conversations) so I retook it as a junior. Passed with a D. Took German II as a senior. Flunked that one, too. If there had been another year I would have taken it again – I loved the class! I just couldn’t pass the class.
Later in life this attitude has continued to serve me well. My greatest example of this is my former fear of public speaking. This became painfully apparent around 1989 when I attended a symposium and discussion about “Space Station Freedom” at San Diego’s Aerospace Museum. Space Station Freedom eventually became Skylab but in ’87 the unit was still a well developed twinkle in the eye of NASA. Near the end of the open discussion the panel began discussing the kinds of replenishment that should be considered during flights into orbit. There was passionate discussion regarding guitars, tapes and books. This discussion pre-dated CDs & the I-Pod. A short discussion determined LP records would not be advisable as the “penny would just float off the tone arm.” This remark was made ½ a-second before the speaker realized there might also be a problem with the entire tone-arm. Duhh. As the discussion continued the shuttle bay was completely filled with “games and toys” which I noticed had forced a couple of big pre-determined items out of the bay or reduced their size. Realizing these containers were filled with water and air I wanted to say something that, evidently, no one else had noticed: they REALLY needed this stuff. Knowing I would be nervous I began to rehearse 2 sentences in my mind. Over and over I practiced, although not raising my hand to volunteer my comment. Finally the event was about to wrap up and the moderator mentioned they would take “only a couple more questions or comments.” Simply to be true to myself I raised my hand hoping upon hope that I would NOT be called upon. No such luck. The moderator immediately pointed at me and asked me to stand and speak clearly.
I stood. I opened my mouth, the lower jaw of which was beginning to shake with nervousness as was my right leg. I steadied my leg. Repeating my two lines in my head I opened my mouth and said “I-I-I-I-I b-b-b-b-b-b-b-guh-guh-guh-guh-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.” Then I turned bright red and fell back into my seat, devastated. Even knowing there would be a problem, even with several minutes of rehearsal, I was still unable to deliver. This was an extremely low point in my days. I looked like an idiot! An utter fool! How could I have been so naïve? I wrestled with this opinion of myself for the next few months until…
I was asked to become one of the members of the first implementation group for our companies TQM (Total Quality Manufacturing) project. I was honored to be asked but even more honored when I attended the initial kick-off and found myself in the company of 13 additional members…all upper management – V.P.s & Directors…while I was a lowly member of middle management – the Divisional Materials Manager. Everyone else in the room was 2-3 levels above me. Initially I was sure I was in the wrong room but the VP Operations assured me I was n the right place. Following the meeting I inquired as to why I was chosen over many other managers, most of whom had been with the company much longer. It seems my re-organization of the Materials Planning, Procurement and control had improved and noticed but the thing that convinced management I was a good candidate was an incident wherein I re-organized the physical layout of the shipping/receiving department. Although given an 8-hour day to complete this I was done in 3-hours which the Ops manager considered impossible until I explained how I planned the movement of the furniture and held a short rehearsal just before the crew left the previous afternoon. That got his attention but it was the ultimate saving of $82K+ annually in these 2 small departments that convinced him, and eventually, the CEO and CFO that I was a good candidate. Both of these gentlemen were co-members and, I must say, inside those meeting room wall we really were all equal.
One of the tasks we were assigned was breaking the implementation process into 14 discrete functions, or steps, as they were called. One of these steps was “Education.” As we discussed the various functions and execution of same we determined each step would be chaired by a team-member and backed up by another member so we all had a primary and secondary responsibility besides steering the whole process as a group. When we began discussing the Education Step I quickly realized that this person, whomever it ultimately turned out to be, would be the lead-teacher for this new discipline and would be teaching classes that were delivered over a 10-week series of classes and workshops to all of management and influential employees as well as a 1-hour introductory session that every employee – from the janitor to the department manager would attend. The responsible person would be responsible for writing the classes, adapted from the Philip B. Crosby Quality College curriculum, training any additional instructors and presenting the majority of the classes to upper, middle and lower management. This person would be responsible for setting up classroom facilities and scheduling classes as well as coordinating these classes with other events that were ongoing as a part of the implementation cycle. Immediately seeing these requirements, and knowing my absolute fear of public speaking and, again, to be true to myself I raised my hand hoping someone else…anyone else…would be called upon. As I looked around the room I saw only one hand raised – mine. I was stuck – it was time to overcome my public speaking fear.
As I began the process of planning and preparation, of writing and re-writing lessons and locating required resources I enrolled in Southwester Colleges class for Public Speaking. Attending the class I was terrified throughout most of it, determined to overcome my lack of confidence in my public persona despite my surety that my fear was insurmountable. I spoke in front of the class frequently, as required, but hated every second and always sat down after completing a presentation absolutely convinced I looked like a total idiot. Two weeks before completion of the class I was convinced I was going to have to bow out of the responsibility for which I had volunteered as I prepared for my final speech in front of the class. We were to speak about an incident in our life, it was to be exactly 3-minutes long and it would be videotaped. I read and rehearsed my 3-minutes over and over in my head to help reinforce the rehearsals I had held in front of the bathroom mirror all week. I had absolutely no confidence in my ability to get through the evening.
When I was called upon I rose and walked to the front of the room. In my head I was resisting with every fiber of my being but eventually I stood there and began as rehearsed. I began telling my story about my meeting with a bear in Canada (see: 1966 – The Bear). At one point I “lost” my word. I had a perfect word chosen and rehearsed all week but lost the word I wanted to use! In my head I was a chicken-with-it’s-head-cut-off. In my head I ran in circles and shouted “Oh-no! Oh-no! Oh-no! I look like an idiot! Whoo-who-whoo-who-who!” Gibberish ran around in my head as I frantically searched for the missing word or something equivalent! Eventually I gave up, finding a word that was not perfect but almost acceptable and I finished my talk completely deflated and convinced I would never be able to talk in front of people. This weakness had plagued me much of my professional life as I was easily bush-wacked at meetings and failed miserably to defend my decisions when challenged. As mush as I wanted to overcome this it wasn’t looking good…then they showed the videotape!
I saw my self at the front of the room speaking calmly, relating the story with more animation than I expected because, although I rehearsed enthusiasm I had failed to convince myself while I was doing the presentation, yet…There I stood calmly relating my story. At one point I paused as though waiting for my comments to sink in. I calmly surveyed the room and the faces of my classmates then I proceeded to complete the talk coming in 2 seconds over.
I was blown away!! All the panic, all the noise in my head. All of the screaming and self-flagellation I had done during my “moment” was completely unseen! I looked perfectly calm! Perfectly confident! I smiled at the class and proceeded to finish with every bit of self-control I had hoped for in vain…now there it was !! Wow! I actually looked good! No one had any idea of my desperation. No one had been able to hear the blood pounding in my ears. No one could see the deflation of spirit or the complete depression that was trying to force itself upon me! Alright!
Within a very few weeks I began teaching classes. During my first session my palms, that sweat profusely when I’m nervous, were soaked with flop-sweat. Twice during the lesson they actually slipped off the podium as I attempted to control my fear. Upon completion of the class I asked the CFO to stay behind as Bob and I had bonded pretty good as we worked together on this project. “How did I do, Bob? I was shaking like a leaf. Was it too apparent?”
“Couldn’t even tell you were nervous.,” he replied. “It looked like you had been doing this your whole life. We you really nervous?” I confirmed my state-of-mind when Bob said, “None of us could tell, Lar. You looked like you knew your subject inside and outside and just before we finished John had mentioned to me how confident you actually looked! I think we’re going to enjoy these sessions.”
My nervousness was gone.
My fear of public speaking rarely raises it’s head anymore and when it does I’m well aware that I can probably fake confidence long enough to get through whatever situation I have found myself. Also…I now absolutely LOVE teaching and would do it for free if I could make a living from it.
I’m still learning how to overcome my shortcomings and, of course, struggle regularly with issues that still remain in the back of my psyche but there is nothing like the feeling of successfully succeeding at something which you are absolutely convinced you could never pull off.
YES!! I LOVE a good challenge!!!
